Clarity

We all have those moments. Those sudden out-of-the-blue, holy shit moments of clarity. Sunday morning Sudoku; a problem you've been trying to figure out at work; and sometimes, a new realization to an issue that you thought you figured out long ago and had since put to rest. The last ones...those are the most epiphanic (and no, I didn't use a Thesaurus for that word. Bam!)

In December, I wrote about Control. The big "Why" as to my craptastic eating habits lasted as long as they did.

Then, while talking with a friend of mine about being in the closet, I had a lightbulb moment: there was another reason. While yes, I do still feel like I was exhibiting some sort of control, that's not the only reason. While it feels like it was a lifetime ago, the sting of what it was like to still be closeted - to hide myself from those closest to me I don't think will ever truly fade.

While I was putting on weight, up until I was my biggest at over 260lbs, there was a common factor throughout it all. I was struggling with my sexuality. There was a lot of pressure as to why I never dated, why I never talked about girls, why I had never brought one home to meet mom or flew one out to see dad. I think on some level, I allowed myself to get fat so that way no one would ever ask about my love life, so I wouldn't have to lie to them and to myself about it even more.

The bigger I got, the less people asked.

I remained in the closet until June 1, 2006. I had been working on getting in shape before then. As I got more in shape, I became more confident in every aspect of my life, I started to accept myself fully for who I was: A gay male.

Fast forward almost six years: I am in the best shape of my life. I am strong, confident, and entirely out of the closet - surrounded by friends and family who love me for exactly who I am - A gay male...who is slightly fanatical about fitness.

and I couldn't be happier.

Oh, and that 3 you have in the 2nd row, 3rd column...that should be a 7. Sorry, Sudoku spoiler.